I’ve done it all. I’ve gotten advice, I’ve given advice, I’ve done so much. At some points of my life I had people come to me for advice so often that I was their “Dr. Phil.” And mainly it was relationship advice. I saw the ins and outs of good and bad relationships, and I just worked my head around it. I was amazing. I mediate everyone’s problems and I make it seem almost effortless. Because I know how people think and what they want. I know how essential communication and fairness is. And what a role it plays in love and passion.
I’m smart and deep and sensitive and I know it. I love it. It’s who I am. But it also makes it extremely difficult to find someone to be with. I have my quirks and my flaws and my insecurities and I have trouble with new people. And I’m just unable for some reason to charm my way into some girls heart. And those who say how great of a guy I am and how anyone would be lucky to have me are just the people who are friends or failed hookups that turned into friends. If I’m such a catch—why is that I’m always stuck chasing and there is nothing to show for it?
When I had my relationships I really really tried to make them good. And for however long they lasted, they were. People know I make a good boyfriend because of how much I care and how much effort I put into it. And as great of an advice giver I am, that doesn’t stop me from being that naive little kid looking for someone to love. I get the butterflies in my stomach and the sweaty hands and the excitement and everything. I get passionate and romantic and I don’t stop. I’ll be cheesy. It’s part of me being the funny kid I am. I love to make people laugh and make them happy. And I’ll do anything to make them happy cause it makes me happy when their eyes light up and you feel the essence of life and living and how much it really makes an impact.
I can do so much. I have done so much. I value myself. Others value me too.
But what I can’t do, is find anyone to love and love me back. I can’t find anyone that wants me to come over even if it’s just lazily cuddling on the couch with a few hookup sessions. I can’t find anyone that loves it when I do my romantic gestures. I can’t find anyone who I can text all the time, where I text them every morning telling them “good morning, beautiful :)” or “have an amazing day” or anything sappy. I can’t find anyone who is willing to even give me a chance to be all that. They either shrug me off or it doesn’t work out and we’re still friends.
And I think about it all the time. I think about everything I miss and everything I want. I think about meeting a girl who can brighten my entire day with just her smile and take my breath away with her words.
And it kills me.